Loving One's Self

There is no verse in Scripture that directly says we must love our self. Maybe God avoided the topic of loving self because it could lead to a lot of confusion. “Love your neighbor” is pretty straight-forward. “Love your self” can mean a lot of things. Having a good understanding of self-love is important for holiness. Following the wrong concept of self-love can lead to spiritual harm.

Unholy love of self

Paul warns in 2 Timothy 3:1-9 that in the end times people will become lovers of self. He calls out a litany of sins that will be exhibited by those who love themself, finishing with “they will not make further [spiritual] progress, for their foolishness will be plain to all” (verse 9). In the Greek text of this verse, the word used for self-love is “Philautos”, pronounced fil’-ow-tos. This word refers to love as a preoccupation with one’s own happiness or advantage (Strong’s Greek, 5387). This is the only verse in Scripture where the word philautos occurs.

Unholy self-love might also be called vanity or narcissism. This is where one puts their own interests and desires ahead of others, possibly even God. Indications of unholy self-love include egotism, arrogance, self-absorption and pride. Pleasure and enjoyment are the goals in life. Whatever is not enjoyable or pleasant, such as self-sacrifice, is seldom in the equation. Apologies are rare because it would be a sign of weakness and failure.

In extreme cases, self-love can become self-idolatry. Self-idolatry sneaks into our lives in subtle ways. Failure to accept the truth taught by the Church in lieu of one’s own views or beliefs is a form of self-worship, as one believes they alone are the ultimate source of truth. Deciding one’s own standard of goodness, rather than that of the Church, is a form of self-righteousness. Inundating social media with selfies for the purpose of saying “look at me” or “look what I did” is a form of self-glorification. Some who serve the church, being like Pharisees, seek importance in the church simply for self-satisfaction or to have others put them on a spiritual pedestal.

Holiness cannot coexist with unholy self-love, because one will never abandon themself to draw into a closer union with God. Unholy self-love must be avoided by all Christians and especially Christians who seek holiness. Self-idolatry may not be an official religion of the world, but it certainly is a predominant form of worship in the world.

Healthy love of self

Healthy love of self is often called self-esteem or self-respect. Having self-esteem and self-respect are very important in both our natural life and spiritual life. Some psychologists rank self-esteem as high or low, but this can be misleading. Consider the case of boasting. One might say boasting is an indication of high self-esteem. But it might mean low self-esteem if the person boasts because they need affirmation from others. Admitting weakness and the need for help may seem like low self-esteem, but this can also be misleading. The person may simply have an honest and realistic view of themself or be very humble.

The lack of self-esteem can cause problems in the natural life. Mentally, it can lead to depression or anxiety. The person is often in fear of judgment by others. They feel like they can never achieve and can never be good enough. Relationships are difficult to maintain because they either need constant attention or accept abuse from others just to get loved. Worry can lead to physical problems like muscle tension, headaches, stomach issues and sleep problems. Without self-respect, one might lack self-care or take up self-harming behaviors such as eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual disorders and more.

The lack of self-esteem can cause problems in the spiritual life. Primarily, fear of judgment leads the person to believe God has not or can not forgive them. They feel they are too unworthy, even for God. They tend to focus on all the bad things in life and believe God is punishing them. After all, they believe they deserve punishment. When one believes their efforts are always in vain, they may become totally reliant on God to solve all their problems. When God doesn’t, they believe God doesn’t love them. A holy relationship with God is extremely difficult without some self-esteem.

Having a healthy love of self, with self-esteem and self-respect, lays the foundation for accepting God’s love and gives one confidence in drawing near to God. Sins and failures are seen as part of the human experience and not personal deficiencies. God’s love is not doubted. There is trust that God is working in their life to help them. They trust their instincts in spiritual matters, rather than always waiting on a sign from God. They are fully able to accept God’s love and develop a holy relationship with Him.

Now for the hard part. What happens if one recognizes lack of self-esteem and self-respect is hindering their spiritual life? Does one simply decide to change and everything gets better? Probably not. Can one pray to God and change overnight? Probably not. Turning around a low self-image can be challenging and take time. A good place to start would be to learn more about the topic. An article I recommend is Self Esteem by Better Health Channel.

Prayer will be needed and God’s help is certainly needed; but other options must also be considered. Professional help and even medications are viable options to consider. Christians shouldn’t be reluctant to seek professional help or take medication if needed. It isn’t a sin, weakness or lack of faith in God. Don’t be fooled. God is not testing our faith in these matters. In fact, He may be testing our virtue of humility in seeking help.

One last important point. Christians should always consider the spiritual and mental state of others before judging. Actually, the law of love says we don’t judge at all (wink). Those who exhibit natural and spiritual disorders indicating a lack of self-esteem may not be doing so out of free will or rebellion to God. There may be a physical condition or deep need for inner healing. Rather than preaching or lecturing to them, the appropriate response may be a gentle nudge to seek help and prayer. It’s the holy thing to do (wink).

Holy love of self

Self-esteem and self-respect are only the entry points to true love of self because these are merely aspects of human love, which as we know is prone to failure. They do, however, open us up to receiving God’s love; and God’s love can transform our love of self into holy love of self.

In Scripture there is one benchmark for love...1 Corinthians 13. We can put our love for others to the test by examining our response to others compared to the virtues listed in this chapter. We can also test love of self by examining how we apply, or don’t apply, these same virtues to our self. Here are a few examples.

Love is patient. God takes time to transform us into His image. There are bumps, challenges, sins and failures along the way. The death of Jesus on the cross didn’t give us super human powers over sin. We need to be patient with our self, enduring sins and failures, as we walk down our path of holiness. There is no need for one to beat themself up. It serves no good anyway.

Love is kind. I sometimes struggle with this one. I can be prone to disappointment when I don’t live up to my capabilities. When I fail at something routine or miss a simple step in something I’ve done a hundred times, I might think to myself “you are so stupid” or “you should have known better”. Negative comments directed at one’s self can be due to a lack of self-esteem. I’m pretty sure that’s not my problem. However, I do sometimes miss the mark of being kind to myself. I try to correct this by making sure it is an item of confession when it happens.

Love keeps no account of wrongs. It’s not difficult to live in the past. Past failures or sins, especially those that gravely hurt others, can become a burden carried for years or even a lifetime. This is called regret and is not good for our spiritual life. When we truly repent and do penance God forgives us. If in our heart we know our confession and penance of past sins was sincere, there is no need to carry that cross any further. Jesus carried it for us. If God can forgive us, who are we to not forgive our self?

Self-love and holiness

Unholy love of self...exhibited by egotism, arrogance, self-absorption and pride...blocks holiness. It causes one to seek their own needs and follow their own will over God’s needs and will. It is impossible to be holy, that is to be set apart from the world and sin, when one seeks to serve themself and their pleasures instead of the Creator. When love of self becomes self-idolatry, the First Commandment is broken and one’s salvation can be at risk. This was, of course, the sin of the devil who wanted to serve himself and not God.

Self-esteem and self-respect are important aspects of loving one’s self. They give us confidence in approaching Almighty God as a sinner who He loves. They allow us to accept our self in the moment and understand that God still has work to do in us. But they are not the complete picture. In effect, they only serve to provide a foundation, an attitude, that disposes one to feeling good enough about themself to accept God loves them. Without these two pillars of self-love, one might feel unworthy of God’s love, believe God is punishing them and shy away from a holy relationship with Him.

Holy self-love is our goal. Holy self-love can only be obtained by letting God pour His holy love into our heart and directing some of that love back to our self. It allows us to be patient with our self, kind, forgiving and so on. Holy love for one’s self helps us to understand how God loves us and see our self as God sees us.

God loves us with our faults, not in spite of our faults. We, too, should love our self right where we are as we continue to strive for holiness, slowly overcoming sins and faults. As holy self-love grows, we can walk ever more confidently on the path of holiness and draw ever nearer to God.

God abundantly pours His love into your heart...give some of it to your self.